Category Archives: Recovery

12-Step Ramblings

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Back From Retreat

Whew.

I just spent three days and nights off the grid, and coming back is a rush. I won’t go into too much about what the retreat was, except that it was all about being alone with me. No phone, no podcasts, no book, no music, certainly no computer. The idea was just to remove as many distractions as possible so I would be left only with the internal ones: my thoughts, in other words. And man, there’s a lot of thoughts. So it was about observing those as deeply as I could.

The other idea was to try to let myself settle into feelings, to feel the stuff I normally distract myself from. And to simply be quiet and slow. And to practice self-love and nurturing. To just be with me, in a supportive and observant way, without any judgment.

I was at the coast, in stormy weather, the only person staying in about 10 houses on the road, with the beach at the end, the wind howling, rain pelting … magnificent.

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Moving Through Fear

A while back I had a funny story that I’ve shared in meetings here and there.

I had recently broken up with Woman A. At the same time I first met her, I had met Woman B, and I had a crush on her. A knew this … hell, B knew this. I asked her out when we first met, and she said no. Then I dated A, and B was still around sometimes as a chum. (Still with me?) So then A and I broke up, and I met C, whom I also wanted to date. We had been on a date or two when the following happened.

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On Resolutions and Retreats

I’m out at the coast the last few nights, on a working retreat.

In theory, this meant putting my head down and writing a big chunk of the Peaceful Places book. But do these things ever go like we plan? I spent three nights here, and maybe four hours on that book. So one of the passengers on my internal bus is yelling that this whole thing has been a failure. He’s also bitching that I haven’t taken a proper walk on the beach.

But watch how that internal game goes: set up a “right” way to do things, then don’t do them, then call it (and yourself) a failure. What the hell is that?

How about “My friends Betsy and Mike, who own a super cool motel, invited me out for a few days, in exchange for some work, and it’s nice to get away for a while?” I got a lot of stuff done, including some on the book, and now I’m headed back.

How about “Thank you, Universe, for this opportunity”?

And how about “I don’t know what the ‘right’ way to do this is, so I’m just trying to be true to myself and do what feels right”?

Some of the stuff I got done, like financial planning and asking for help where it’s needed, was very helpful. And the book  will get written. And I have this new website. And it’s too damned windy and cold to walk on the beach.

But mainly I had a nice little retreat, got some things done, saw my friend Betsy and her two lovely daughters, and got to help them out, too.

So thank you, Universe!

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A Few Words to a Sponsee

Had some more thoughts on the way home, maybe more about myself than about you, figured I’d share anyway.
So we say things like “I don’t have time to do (step work, meditation, exercise, whatever) because of all this stuff I have to do. And all the stuff I have to do is driving me crazy.” An objective view would be, “Then what is the purpose of all ‘the stuff’?” And we might be able to step back and say, I get busy with all the stuff (or I get loaded, or codependent, or whatever) so that I don’t have to face what is there for me in the spiritual work, exercise, whatever. Because that leads to change, which can hurt or be scary. But staying super busy or loaded or whatever, while stressful, is familiar. We think we can handle it — even as it burns us out and gets in the way of growth.
Make any sense? Sound familiar?
A simple cure is the ol’ “How’s that workin’ for ya” question. In your case, how is filling your life with busy-ness and avoiding amends working? In mine, how is filling my days with tasks while avoiding exercise, meditation and writing working? In my case, not so great — and yet it’s hard to make that change, because I let the tasks define me. But I am who I am, not what I do.
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An Old Familiar Frustration

Driving home after a pleasant evening with an attractive woman. Ought to be a happy time, or so it seems. And yet there’s regret. Just can’t seem to get out of my head and tell her I like her, that I am attracted to her, that I’d like to kiss her. Same old thing. Determined leaving home, frustrated coming back.

Lots of shouldas and couldas on these nights. Lot of thoughts, and doubts about those thoughts. Maybe “it” just isn’t happening, and maybe it’s not my job as the male to “make” things happen. Maybe my lack of “action” will look like a lack of interest, or worse, a lack of manliness. Either one will chase her off, and pretty soon. We all have stuff to work through, and getting started with somebody is risky, so we’re constantly weighing those against the rewards. What’s the reward of a guy who acts like he’s marginally interested and not attracted, or all up in his head? Or is he just a gentleman who’s taking his time? She doesn’t know. Neither do I.

Do I tell her? Push through? Walk away? Or do what I always do: feel frustrated, swear it’ll be different next time, and then lose myself in fantasy? Works in the short term, but always brings me back to the old familiar frustration.

Shit.